Public School Success

By Erin Coppin and Miriam Brown

Miriam: Hello. I’m your host, Miriam Brown. In addition to my teaching certificate, I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s in curriculum and instruction. I spent the last decade as a public school teacher, and I want to give you insider tips on how to help your child do well in a system that might otherwise fail them. Today, we’re going to talk about how ADHD can actually be a superpower.

Miriam: Today I am talking with my friend Erin Coppin again about her kids with ADHD. I taught both of her kids and they were a joy to work with. Erin, both of your kids actually wrote essays for me about ADHD, and both of them came to the conclusion that ADHD was a blessing rather than a curse. Your son felt like it helped him be a creative person, and your daughter wrote about how it helped her see the world in different ways than other people. So it was really interesting that when they were able to choose their topic, they were both drawn to advocating that it also had its upsides. 

Erin: Yeah, I would agree to that. I mean, there are times that my daughter especially is like, why do I have to deal with this and be different? But even her first grade teacher who was. Constantly saying, you’ve got to look at me, pay attention. Later in the school year, the teacher actually mentioned to me that my daughter would draw connections from a picture that the teacher had up on the wall, and she would connect it to something they’d been talking about in class a month ago. And the teacher was like, I realize she actually is paying attention. She just making, these different connections because she’s paying attention to several different things at once, which was really exciting.

Miriam: both of your kids, they really were very creative. With your daughter. I was teaching a video game design class and they would work in groups. And One of her really good friends is very conscientious and very organized and they would work together on video games, and your daughter would get lost in the weeds because she really enjoyed doing the artwork for the video games and making the characters do cool things. your daughter would have a hard time finishing things, but her friend would be the task manager and the friend would make sure they got things done on time. Their video games would turn out so cool because they would combine their strengths.

Erin: I’m really super glad that my daughter has this good friend who’s really conscientious and this good friend actually helps her in other ways too. Like, don’t forget, we’ve got to get this math assignment done or this essay. So they’re in a lot of classes together and that’s been great. So if your kid can find somebody like that, that can help them with their strengths. 

Miriam:I remember with your son, I was making them do an essay or a speech. I was having them write about how the pandemic affected kids. and he said, Well, what if I wrote a children’s book instead? And it was near the end of the year and I was kind of tired. So I was like, Sure, whatever. I just didn’t want to fight with them, you know? I was like, But it has to be done and it has to be good. It has to be extra good. And he said, okay. And he wrote a children’s book about his experience during the pandemic and how video games helped him connect with friends that he couldn’t see in real life, and how he learned how to balance video game times with actual outside play and friend times. And it was such a well-written children’s book that could be published.

Erin: I think that was really funny. because it did turn out to be this really great story And his plan is to use that as a senior project because he loves art too. so he wants to do the illustration with the book as well. but he thinks he got away with it because he felt like that was a much easier assignment, which he still learned and, was able to, Complete the assignment in a different way. There’s more than one way to teach a child and it isn’t like you have to write a big long essay about everything. I think both of them look for those kinds of things that play to their strengths. And so I definitely see they both tend to hyperfocus more on the stuff they like and so the subjects that they like to do, they’re the first ones. The homework gets done and the subjects that they don’t like to do, they put off and put off and put off until it’s finally crunch time. So yeah, I guess my best advice is to find those good teachers that see the value in your kids and see ways to challenge them in creative ways. Okay, thanks. 

Miriam: You know, and I think coming to teaching from the standpoint of a psychology degree, I am most concerned with how school affects students and their emotions and how it affects their psyche, because I think it’s really important to find your people and to find your place. School can be really hard on a kid’s self-esteem. So it’s very important to help your child find out what they’re good at and also find a group of friends that will accept them for who they are

Erin: That is so true. So my son doesn’t love the academic part of school, He loves choir and he loves drama, and these areas, in the arts, are the part where my son feels like he fits in and feels like he can be successful. 

Miriam: I think that’s something that you do well. You do a lot to help your kids form relationships. I was talking to one of your former neighbors just yesterday, and they were talking about, oh, the Coppins house was the hangout place the neighborhood kids were over there or over at our house. And sometimes when you have a kid who struggles with this. Sometimes you have to do a little bit more as a parent to help your child find their people and find the place where they do fit in. You know, some kids are just going to come at it naturally. And I know with one of my children, I think I should have done a better job of putting them in experiences where they could find their people

Some ways that you can help your kid are to start with their interest and find extracurricular activities that they might enjoy. That could be sports or scouts or maybe something like code ninjas if they’re into computers. Often when they get involved in meetings, often when they get involved in extracurricular activities that are related to their interest, this is a good place for them to find kids that will have something in common with them. Friendships often start with shared interests. And you don’t want to be putting pressure on them to find friends. You just want to put them in situations where those friendships will arise naturally. You always want to make sure that you’re developing. You also always want to make sure that you’re developing a good relationship with your child. I always say you also want to make sure that you are developing a good relationship with your child. I always tell my kids they can’t be my friend till they’re 18 because friends really shouldn’t boss you around. And I have to boss them around sometimes. I know that gentle parenting is in style right now, but it seems very inauthentic to me. So I don’t claim to be a gentle parent, but I do think that this style of parenting has helped us to realize that we need to be more validating than perhaps I was with my older kids. We need to make sure that our kids feel like we see their strengths, not just the things that they struggle with

Erin: Yeah, I think that’s so true. I have to check myself a lot because I am a driven person and I like steps and you accomplish this thing and then you can accomplish the next thing. And that is not always how my kids or my husband function. And so. I have to sometimes step back and say. Okay, how do I come across and what stress am I placing on my child? And how is this putting stress on our relationship? my sister in law She’s got a Ph.D. in parenting or a parent expert r. And she always says the relationship is before anything else, you’ve got to focus on that relationship. And there are some times when my kid does poorly on a test or fails a class where the achiever part of me wants to be like, well, what have we done wrong and what do we need to do to fix it? And how can we do better next time? When really what I need to do is stop, and I just need to love my child and let them know that I’m proud of him or her and make sure I’m focusing on that relationship before I focus on the behavior that I want to help them with. That’s something that is hard to learn, but I am learning it and as they age, into teens and get nearer adulthood. I think I’m having to learn that more and more. 

Miriam: Yeah. I think there’s a balance between just accepting them for who they are and also helping them to improve. One thought of humanistic psychology, Carl Rogers always used to say, you’re doing the best that you can and you can do better. That’s the paradox.That’s a paraphrase. The original quote was about accepting yourself the way you are, and then you can change. But I think it applies to accepting others as well.You know, we kind of have to help ourselves understand that our child is doing the best that they can. School makes this challenging because it really isn’t designed for kids with ADHD. Maybe someone should redesign the school system to fit kids instead of trying to get kids to fit the school system. But my mom always used to say suffering is the non-acceptance of what is. And most of us couldn’t afford a school system that most of us couldn’t afford, the type of school system that we really want for our kids. But I think eventually, once they’re out of school, What I hope for my kids is that they can find a career where 80% of the time they’re doing what they’re good at. And only 20% of the time they have to do the things that they’re not good at to function, you know. But I guess as a mom, it’s 80% of stuff I don’t want to do.

Erin: Never be. 

Miriam: A mom is the worst career. 

Erin: You don’t make any money at it

Miriam: It costs you money,

Miriam Carey Brown: I hope this conversation helped to balance out our discussion of helping a child with ADHD do well in school. There will always be things that they struggle with, but hopefully you can also find some areas where they shine. Most kids with ADHD are creative or have some other really great strengths that can make the world a better place. Keep looking for the good in your child so that they don’t see you as just a person who criticizes them, but as someone who loves them and wants the best for them. If this episode helped you share it with a friend on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or most other places where you can listen to podcasts I also just made a little website so you can get transcripts for this episode. You can find them on public school success dot com. Hope that helps. And now it’s time to put down your phone and go hang out with your kid.